


Why Does it Always Rain?

by HisokaHotaru



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Expicit Sex, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lemon, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2020-05-02 10:28:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19196992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HisokaHotaru/pseuds/HisokaHotaru
Summary: Zexion has had a hard life, he hopes that moving into this boarding school will finally help him escape his problems. When Zexion meets his roommate Demyx and his friends he finally feels like he has found his place. What happens when Zexion's memories come to haunt him in the form of night terrors? When you live with someone, your secrets always find a way to unfold.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story I wrote a couple of years ago on Fanfiction.net but now I'm rewriting and actually finishing it.

I was 10 when my father died, it was probably the most devastating time in my life; that was until my mother got remarried. My mother was never the same after my father’s death, she would stay out till long ours then come home covered in bruises; she lost all respect for herself. It hurt me to see her this way, she let men beat on her as if she deserved it.

My mother remarried to a man named Xemnas. Xemnas was abusive. Xemnas was repulsive. Xemnas was my rapist.

When I turned 13, I remember waking up in the dead of night to my bedroom door opening, it had only been a week since I had come out as gay, I could see the outline of Xemnas in the doorway. He had a belt in hand as he approached me, in my groggy sleep induced state I wasn’t sure what was going on until, my hands were forced against the headboard and restricted wit the belt. I knew what was happening, but my body went numb as I felt the assault upon body, and I blacked out. This wasn’t the last time it began happening more often, once a month, then every week.

When my mother found out she blamed me, she screamed word that I couldn’t decipher, the last thing I remember was being called a dirty fag and before I knew it, I was packing my bags. She was shipping me off to boarding school to “keep my influence away from her husband.”

I walked into my dorm room, it was about 12 A.M. and no one was inside so I began unpacking my bags into my dresser in the process of unpacking my clothes I unrolled a blue towel covered in browned blood stains inside lied a razor. I stared down at the piece of metal debating whether to drag the piece across my skin. I grabbed both it and the towel as I walked into the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub and pulled up the black jacket sleeve revealing my pale thin arms as I slid the razor across my arms filling the spaces that didn’t already have cuts on them. I felt the slow burn as I watched the blood drip down off my arm dripping slowly onto the towel lying on my lap.

I heard the door to the door rush open and the sound of 2 men laughing as they walked in, “Hey your new roommate is here.” One said.

“Oh yeah, must be in the bathroom.” The other said. ‘God please don’t come over here.’ I thought as I heard a knock on the door and the voice say, “Hey roomie welcome home!” The voice shouted.

“T-thanks,” I stuttered “U-um I’ll be out soon!” I called back as I began cleaning up my arm attempting to quickly wash off the blood gritting my teeth at the burning feeling as I dried off my flesh. I pulled my hoodie down, I could feel the blood begin to seep out again as I left the bathroom. My grey-blue hair fell in front of my face as I walked out the door. "Hi, I'm Z-Zexion." I stuttered in a quiet voice as I looked up at the two very tall men on with a blonde Mohawk/mullet thing and the other with red hair spiked up at the back of his head.

"I'm Axel, got it memorized?" The red head said looking down at me.

"And I'm your roommate Demyx." The blonde said.

"Umm hi." I said quietly then sitting on my bed and pulling out my phone. "Do either of you happen to know Riku?" I asked.

"Oh yeah he's my roommate, how do you know him?" Axel asked curiously.

"He's my older brother I haven't seen him in 4 years." I said staring down at my hands while twiddling my thumbs.

"He never went home for summer?" Demyx asked. I gulped and shut my eyes tightly I didn't even want to think about what that man would have done if Riku was home.

"Ummm n-no I wasn't aloud contact with him." I whispered, "My family is just... complicated." I stood up pulling my sleeves over my palms "Do you mind taking me to him?" I asked Axel. 

"Oh not at all, uh Dem I'll see you later." He told my roommate while we walked out of the room. "Hey, I don't wanna be to forward but you're really cute." Axel said smiling down at me as we walked. A small smile graced itself on my lips no guy had ever called me cute before. 

"Thank you..." I said looking down and smiling to myself "Y-you're not too bad yourself." I replied biting my lip as we arrived at the dorm. I paused and starred at the door instead of going in. I gulped "It's now or never" I told myself placing my bony hand on the silver hand slowly pushing the white door open as it creaked I heard a voice on the other side.

"Oh Axe you're back already?" It said, I felt my eyes fill with tears that was Riku's voice. My big brother. I finished opening the door, as soon as I saw his face the tears began to flow. 

"Riku!" I cried as he ran towards me wrapping his muscular arms around my small frame. 

"Oh, god Zexion I'm so sorry." he cried burying his head in my hair mine in his chest. I pulled away enough to put my hands on his face and look him in the eyes.

"No, you have always been the best brother there was nothing you could've done. I'm just glad you're okay." I said pulling his face back into my shoulder.

"I'm glad your alive." Riku said tightening his hold on me.


	2. Chapter 2

We held each other as if our lives depended on it, as if I let go he'd be taken away again. We pulled away as I looked up at Riku with a smile wiping my tears with my sleeve. About an hour had passed with us just sitting together and catching up; I learned he had a boyfriend named Sora, knowing he was happy almost made me feel happy. Almost. Now that he was happy my issues would just be a burden to him. So, I stayed quiet. When he asked how things were going for me I told him 'I'm fine, I just worry about mom.' Ignoring the fact that my own mother hates my guts, I mean who wouldn't. 

"Hey guys it's gettin' pretty late." Axel interrupted, I hadn't even realized it was 12 A.M. when I got here it was around 2:30 now. 

"Oh, umm maybe I should get back to my room." I said gulping as I gave Riku a hug not wanting to let go.

"Please don't, please stay for tonight." Riku said holding onto me. 

I sighed "He can have my bed I'll sleep on the couch." He said grabbing a pillow and blanket. "I wouldn't want to breakup the reunion." He smiled.

"Umm you don't have to do that, you'll hurt your back. W-we could just share." I told him biting my lip. Axel smiled at me walking over and ruffling my hair.

"If you insist." He chuckled climbing into his full bed on one end. Riku smiled down at me kissing my forehead.

"Go sleep." He said to me giving me one last hug as I climbed off his bed climbing in next to Axel.

"Sorry if I'm bothering you." I whispered before closing my eyes and drifting off into sleep next to the warmth of the older man. 

I felt pressure on my chest as my teary eyes opened to the hair of the red head above me, my cheeks were stained with tears, my heart was pounding, my body hurt, it was as if I could still feel his touch on my body. "P-please, make it go away." I cried wrapping my arms around Axel's neck burying my head into his chest. I began breathing heavily as I tried to calm myself down; Axel just held me and whispered reassuring things in my ear.

"Whatever happened before won't happen now." He whisper wiping the tears from my cheeks trying to calm me down. After I had calmed down it was around 5 in the morning. 

"I can't go back to sleep." I said to Axel as my breathing steadied and I pulled away from him.

"Then lets go get breakfast. The breakfast they serve here is awful so lets go to Starbucks." Axel explained standing up and pulling off his shirt revealing his muscular yet thin torso as he stretched flexing his gorgeous muscles. He began to pull down his pants and that was when I decided to look away a dark blush gracing my cheeks. 

"Umm do you have any clothes I can barrow?" I asked starting to stand up just as Axel was pulling his hoodie over his head already having pulled on a pair of grey sweat pants that were fitted half way down the calf.

"I think the only thing that will fit is some stuff from my ex boyfriend." He said awkwardly.

"I don't mind it being too big." I said. "I'd feel really weird wearing your ex's clothes." 'Axel said ex boyfriend so that means he's single right?' I thought while Axel pulled out a long sleeved shirt with Twenty-One Pilots labeled across the front and a different pair of sweat pants. 

"Here this is the smallest of mine I have." he explained handing them to me.

"Mmm can you turn around I'm really self-conscious." I explained before pulling my current hoodie off.

"Well I think you look great." Axel said to me making me blush. "But I'll turn around out of courtesy." He did and I pulled off the hoodie and pulled on Axel's clothes I stood up to change my pants of course. I told Axel he could turn around, he looked me up and down and smirked at me. "You look so hot in my clothes." Axel chuckled kissing the top of my head.

I looked up at him and raised and eyebrow. "I'm sure you say that to every guy." I pushed past him with a smirk on my lips.

"I don't usually give my clothes to every guy." He remarked. I chuckled walking out into the hallway with him in tail.


	3. Chapter 3

We got to Starbucks and I ordered a tall smores frappuccino but before I could pull together the scraps of cash I had, Axel handed the women his card. "Please don't, we just met and I already feel like I'm invading too much." 

"From the looks of your reunion with Riku nothing has been very easy for you. Let me do something." He told me placing a hand on my shoulder.

I gulped, 'Is this what it feels like to have someone care about you?' I thought and nodded my head letting him have his way. "Thank you." I muttered taking my drink from the barista and sitting down with Axel. 

"Why didn't you get any food?" Axel asked. 

"I'm not a big morning eater." I lied sipping my drink. Axel looked at me up and down curiously before taking a bite of his sandwich. I snuggled into the oversized jacket and held my drink close to my chest taking in Axel's scent. 

Axel chuckled watching me "you really are adorable." He stood up leaving his stuff on the table and began to walk away. I reached over grabbing his shirt. 

"W-where are you going?" I asked worriedly.

"Relax I'm just taking a piss." He joked ruffling my hair.

"Oh..." I blushed embarrassed before focusing back on my drink and ignoring him. It was about a minute before I saw a dark shadow hover over me "Axe that was quick," I said turning around only to be starred in the face by a blue hair male with an X shaped scar across his face. Fear filled my body as I backed into the table tears pricking my eyes. I was frozen, I couldn't scream, I couldn't run, I was terrified. My drink fell out of my hand and spilled all over the ground as a loud blood curdling scream escaped my lips and tears poured down my eye. I couldn't see, I couldn't hear I could only feel warm arms wrap around me "Get Off Me Saix!" I cried slamming my fists on the others chest before I heard a calming familiar voice. 

"Shhh calm down Zexion it's just me!" Axel yelled holding me tight as my body quivered and I sobbed. "What happened?"

"H-he was here, H-he was behind me!" I cried gripping the others chest, my body shaking. Everyone starred at the display going on some with worry, some annoyed, and others looking as of we were crazy. Axel placed his arms underneath my knees and lifted me holding me to his chest and walking us back to the dorm.

My tears were finally stopping as I was placed onto his bed. He sat next to me. "What just happened?" Axel asked placing his hand on my knee as I pulled them to my chest. "W-what did Saix do to you?" He stuttered with worry.

"Y-you know him?" I asked with more fear. 'What if Axel wanted to gain my trust so he could hand me back to them?' I thought terrified.

"Yeah, he's an asshole. He cornered Roxas' brother back in freshman year and... harassed him." He explained it was obvious he didn't want to get into detail. 

Riku walked out of the bathroom. "Harass is an understatement, he forced him to pull down his pants and then beat him to the ground." Riku said with his voice full of anger. "I was walking in the hall and found him passed out in just his t-shirt." He sat at the end of his bed gritting his teeth. "Why are you talking about that asshole."

"I-I saw him... In Starbucks." I stuttered holding my knees to my chest. "H-he's Xemnas' son... E-everytime he came home for the holidays h-he w-would..." Sobs began to pour out of my mouth again as I pulled my knees closer to my chest. Axel and Riku wrapped their arms around me simultaneously holding me close.

"You don't have to finish." Axel said.

"We can figure it out." Riku finished. I cried letting out years of pent up emotions finally out. In emotions rather than self inflicted pain. I let it all out for what felt like ours dried tears on my cheeks, wet marks left on Axel's shirt. I hiccuped as the two pulled away from me. 

"Go shower." Axel told me kissing my forehead. I nodded sniffling as I stood up walking to the bathroom closing the door and pulling off Axel's hoodie. I heard the door creak open and saw Axel walk in holding a towel. "I didn't hear the water running so I figured you'd still be dressed. " He said before looking up and seeing the cuts and scars covering my arms. "Z-zexion..." He started dropping the towel and walking towards me. He placed his hand on my arm gently rubbing it across my arm. 

"P-please don't be angry." I stuttered as Axel pulled me close to him and connected out lip holding my pale chest against his clothed one. His soft lips pressed gently against that of my own, his hand moving up to touch my cheek before he pulled away.

"Please don't hurt yourself. Your skin is so beautiful." He started. "We'll talk about the fact that I can see your bones later." He said sternly as I gulped, he turned and left the bathroom. I showered as slowly as possible washing the dried blood off of my pale skin and and cleaning my cuts. My thin fingers ran across my ribs and hip bone. I had never realized it had gotten this bad. It started with portion control. I had no control in my life so I had to find something I could control. Originally it was small like not eating a vegetable, then it moved onto calorie counting. Then I wouldn't eat more that 500 calories in a day. Now I barely eat, I drink most of my calories in coffee and sugary drinks.

I got out of the shower pulling on the oversized clothes Axel left for me as I walked out of the room my hair and body now smelling like Axel's cinnamon shampoo. Riku had left I wasn't sure when but I knew he needed to cool off. I saw Axel waiting on his bed with a straight face almost like a parent waiting for a kid who was in trouble. Axel looked up at me his piercing eyes felt as though they were looking into my soul. I felt myself coming undone as I began telling him everything.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly forgot about this story, I started writing again so I guess I'll finish it.

Axel's eyed me as I sat on the bed next to him, having told him everything that had been done to me he had no words. I was not okay, I didn't even know what okay was. "Please say something." I begged, I couldn't take the silence I felt guilty.

"It's just a lot to take in." He explained holding me closely by my waist. 

"I should go back to my dorm before I get in trouble, I'll see you later tonight." I said looking up at him as he connected out lips letting me out of his arms. 

"You better behave, if I find a fresh wound on your body we're gonna have a problem." He warned standing in the doorway giving me one last kiss before I made my way down the hall back to my dorm.

I entered my dorm to be greeted by the sound of my roommate playing his guitar while sitting on his bed. "Hey Demyx." I muttered pulling Axel's jumper lower onto my hands as I made my way to my bed. 

"Hey Zexion! Where were you last night you never came back?" He questioned.

"Oh I stayed the night with Riku and Axel." I explained.

"Anything fun happen?" He questioned wiggling his brow at me.

"No, w-why would you think that!" I blushed.

"You just walked in here in Axel's clothes." He said motioning towards my outfit.

"Nothing of that nature happened!" I squeaked throwing a pillow at the other male. "Now if you don't mind I've got some studying to do." I sat on my bed opening the chemistry textbook before beginning to read the first couple chapters.

"Classes haven't even started and you're already studying?" He questioned.

"Yes, now if you don't mind." I replied going back to reading. I got through the first few chapters before my phone began to vibrate, it was Axel, he sent me a dumb picture of Riku and his boyfriend. I chuckled at the photo before reading the caption. The text associated read 'Third wheeling sucks without you." I bit my lip as a small smile graced my face while I typed my reply. 'Meet me at the front gate?' I didn't wait for his reply before sliding my shoes on.

"Going to see Axel?" Demyx said drawing out his name.

"Shut up." I muttered in response to his teasing. As I felt my phone vibrate with a text saying 'You read my mind.' I walked to the front gate waiting for Axel to arrive as I felt someone wrap their arms around me from behind I knew it was Axel just from how warm his arms felt around my waist. I turned around as he pressed his lips to mine and backed me up into the gate. 

"Hey." He whispered after pulling away from me.

"Hey." I replied with a small smile. As I heard footsteps approach us near the gate. 

"Roxas isn't gonna like that." I heard an almost preppy voice say.

"Yep." I then heard Riku. 

"Who?" I asked turning my head as Axel's arm snaked it way around my waist.

The brunette who I assumed was Sora spoke up, "My twin brother, AKA Axel's Ex." He explained.

"He has no right to get made, he broke up with me." Axel spoke pulling me closer to him.

"I beg to differ." Riku added. "You said and I quote 'If it's such a problem then dump me.' and he did, so technically you initiated it."

"He said it was over so technically not." Axel rebuttals.

"What'd you do that was so awful?" I asked Axel.

Before Axel could speak up a voice from behind us spoke up, "He forgot our anniversary." The person who I assumed was Roxas walked around us to Sora's side. "We fought because I was upset, he said it wasn't that important and 'if it's such a problem then dump me' so I did. I thought he would've come to apologize by now, not have already found someone new." He finished in a snarky tone.

"Roxas don't be mean! That's Riku's brother!" Sora scolded. 

"Don't be mean! He stole my boyfriend!" Roxas shouted. 

"I'm gonna go, this was never an official thing and I'd rather not be in the middle of this. So make up or don't, just text me later." I mumbled squirming out of Axel's arms. "I think he's hurting from this and I don't think it's right for us to be a thing without you two getting closure or getting back together." I explained before walking back to my dorm and flopping on my bed. Demyx wasn't there. I was alone again, I knew it was too good to be true and if Roxas loves him, he's way too good for me anyway. I sat on the bed debating, debating whether to cut myself or to drop the idea. I decided to sleep instead, I needed it after the chaotic day I was having, I definitely didn't expect to run into Axel's Ex nor for that to be the thing that broke us up or for it to have been that fast. I think Axel will be a great friend but I don't want to be the reason Roxas is unhappy. I would prefer it to just be me.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up to Demyx playing a soft lullaby on his guitar, “What time is it.” I muttered looking over to him. 

“Twelve in the afternoon.” He replied with a smile on his face looking over at me. “Roxas and Axel made up. You did the right thing, they’re honestly made for each other.” He joked placing his guitar down and approaching my bed. “I know you really liked him, but he’s not good enough for you.” Demyx said in an attempt to cheer me up. “Also sorry for waking you.”

“I’m happy for him.” I replied while slowly sitting up in my bed. “If I wake up to you playing whatever that is everyday I don’t think I’ll mind that much.” I yawned climbing out of the bed, “I’m gonna take a shower then take a walk.” I explained to him grabbing my towel and walking into the bathroom. 

I sighed the smile I had earlier while talking to Demyx was now gone as I grabbed my razor that was wrapped in a towel. I hated pretending to be happy, I hated lying to everyone. ‘I’m happy for him.’ The words rang through my head ‘Happy’ I thought laughing to myself. I don’t even remember what happiness is, the razor slid across my thigh. I had no more room on my arms so thighs it was. I continued to slide the razor across my skin. I felt a strong relief. I felt something other than numb. I felt pain and it felt amazing, I sighed as I started running the shower setting the temperature and waiting for it to heat up as I placed my hand under the faucet. 

I felt blood drip down my thighs as I entered the shower the hot water turning my pale skin red as I washed up my blood and lathered my hair. I finally stepped out and went under the sink to grab gause. I wrapped my thin thighs as the blood quickly soaked through the fabric. I sighed as I noticed no matter how much I tried to force my thighs together they wouldn’t touch. I noticed the scars from the first time I had cut were almost gone. I noticed the nail shaped cuts on my thighs as a small sob escaped my lips. My hand made its way to my mouth to muffle my sobs before I started to full out cry. I sat on the toilet my hair framing around my face as I looked down bringing my knees to my chest attempting to calm down. 

Once I had finally calmed enough to walk out I pulled on a hoodie and a pair of skinny jeans that definitely showed how skinny my legs were.   
“Hey, mind if I join you for that walk?” Demyx asked.

“Actually I do, I just wanna be alone.” I said in a much harsher tone then intended. I left the dorm slamming the dorm behind me. I found myself walking past Axel’s dorm, I could hear him and Roxas laughing together. I made my way out of the boys dormitory and into a small clearing most likely used for sports, I sat on the field as the clouds covered the sun releasing a small drizzle. I didn’t mind, I loved the rain. 

I had finally gotten up to go back but not until it started full out pouring. I made my through the halls heading back to my dorm as I saw Roxas and Axel in the door to Axel’s dorm. Axel looked down at him with so much love in his eyes before making some dumb joke that made the other male laugh. Just before I was about to walk past and make my presence known I saw Axel lean down and connect his lips with the much smaller blonde.  
‘I will never be happy will I?’


End file.
